Tattooed.

It's been almost 4 months since Liam earned his wings and went back to heaven. Since then I've been busy working on bringing my pre-pregnancy weight back. It's hard I'm telling you. It's harder when people criticize you , tells  you what to do or compares you with someone who gave birth with an alive child on how they lost their baby weight in weeks just by breastfeeding. People now a days are naive, selfish & inconsiderate. I remember someone asked me "Isn't hard to lose baby weight knowing your baby isn't here?" That question left me blank because really that made me think and realize. I admit after Liam I got self-conscious. One day I was staring at my motherly body on the mirror and feeling my stretch marks and there I saw my Caesarean Section. It was bittersweet because it made me realize those are the only marks that Liam left me, at the same time it was sad because the baby that I risked my life for isn't here with me. I know people wouldn't know the pain unless they put their-selves into other's shoes who experienced loss. Or else they'll just be plain clueless. One of the reasons why I decided to attend a support group for parent/s who have had experienced infant loss, miscarriage & stillborns, was I need someone who can understand the pain that I've been going through. Hearing their stories made me feel I'm not alone. Finally a place where people can understand every pieces of pain that I've been feeling. It made me realize that loss is normal. It happens and it sucks! Brought me back when Bren and I were preparing Liam's Burial, the lady who helped us had miscarriage. The Counselor who I talked to recently had miscarriage and my massage therapist had miscarriage as well and recently I met an angel mom where Liam was buried (our babies are buried next to each other.) We talked about our Angels, shared tears. I felt bad for her because she had 2 miscarriages before her baby girl that passed away. I can't imagine the pain that she's been dealing with. I admire how strong she is...A proof that life still goes on. Honestly some days I feel like I already accepted the fact that Liam is in heaven and sometimes I can't help myself but cry. I know I have a good support system and friends who are there for me. And I'm very thankful for all of you. I know some of you are scared to ask about Liam thinking it's not appropriate but actually that's exactly the opposite of what I feel.We can talk about him, I would love that! If there is something that reminds you of him, tell me. If you wanna know more about Liam's case, ask. If you wanna cry because he passed away, I'll cry with you. I believe these apply to all who have had experienced loss. Just because they're not physically here with us, doesn't mean they're not here. They're watching & guiding us! These are the reasons why I decided to have his name and birthday tattooed on me, so people can ask & YOU can ask.......

The sad truth.

After tons of blood testing. Finally the results came in. I know a lot of you have questions. What happened? How come they didn't see it before? Why'd it end up like that? and the worst...Was I taking care of myself and so on...

First of all when I was pregnant with Liam EVERYTHING was normal. My FIRST & SECOND trimester went fine. Blood tests are normal. Then on our THIRD trimester, complications started to arise. Everything went fast after that. I'm talking about weekly hospital admissions, NSTs (Non-stress tests),  weekly ultrasounds, IVs, steroid shots. In short hospital became our second home.

The diagnosis stated below as of the Genetic Testing Results and Genetic Doctor the nature of this disease is that it shows normal pregnancy on your first and second trimester, then complications start to develop on your third which is the same on what happened to Liam. Here's the definition of RENAL TUBULAR DYSGENESIS,





Renal tubular dysgenesis is a severe kidney disorder characterized by abnormal development of the kidneys before birth. In particular, kidney structures called proximal tubules are absent or underdeveloped. These structures help to reabsorb needed nutrients, water, and other materials into the blood and excrete everything else into the urine. Without functional proximal tubules, the kidneys cannot produce urine (a condition called anuria).




***This is the reason why I have low amniotic fluid and the reason why Liam's lungs are too small.

      Why Amniotic fluid is important?
Amniotic fluid is inhaled and exhaled by the fetus. It is essential that fluid be breathed into the lungs in order for them to develop normally. Swallowed amniotic fluid also creates urine and contributes to the formation of meconium. Amniotic fluid protects the developing baby by cushioning against blows to the mother's abdomen, allowing for easier fetal movement and promoting muscular/skeletal development. Amniotic fluid swallowed by the fetus helps in the formation of the gastrointestinal tract.

       How common is renal tubular dysgenesis?

       Renal tubular dysgenesis is a rare disorder, but its prevalence is unknown.

How do people inherit renal tubular dysgenesis?

Renal tubular dysgenesis is inherited in an autosomal recessive pattern, which means both copies of the affected gene in each cell have mutations. The parents of an individual with an autosomal recessive condition each carry one copy of the mutated gene, but they typically do not show signs and symptoms of the condition. With 25 % risk of recurrence in another pregnancy. 1 out of 4. 

Here's a diagram to easily understand this case;

Yup. That's the crazy truth. Of all the people around the world Brendan and I met not knowing we are both carrier of a fcked up gene. Sad but we need to accept it. Well I'm proud to say that after all of the trials and issues that Brendan and I are facing, we are still TOGETHER and getting stronger.  I know Liam would want that. Anyway the chance of having a healthy baby is high (75%) and that there are additional tests that can be done to know if our baby is healthy. But for now that's not our priority. We still need to heal and recover. I know it takes time. We're not in a rush anyway.  I always keep in mind that everything happens for a reason and God has a better plan for us. We'll see what the future will bring us.........

1st Month. #030415 #1127PM

Hi Liam, Happy 1st Month! Are you celebrating up there in heaven with God and with your friends? I can picture you happy and pain free....Sad to say while you're happy up there, Mommy is still hurting, I still can't accept the fact that you are not here with us. That you need to leave as that soon. That all I can do right now is look at your pictures and videos over and over again. I miss you so much baby...I miss you because I can no longer hold you. I miss you because I can no longer kiss you, I miss you because I can no longer hear you cry, I miss you because I can no longer sing and talk to you. I miss you because I didn't get enough time with you. You are suppose to be here with mommy  and daddy. I know heaven needed you more than we do. But it is still unfair. I wasn't planning on celebrating your first month like this, I remember while I was still pregnant with you I was planning on sticking those monthly birthday stickers on your cute little onesie and putting cupcakes on your side! (how cute!)...Sad to say we didn't get a chance to experience that. And it even hurts more just thinking about it. I feel incomplete without you baby :( But I know you're watching me and that you don't want to see me crying everyday. I know you want mommy to be happy. I love you baby! I'll just send all my kisses and hugs to you in heaven, just be sure to send me some in return!.. Until we meet again. <3

Missing you....

Good Morning Baby Liam! While Daddy is working and Great Granma is

at her daycare, I'm here alone thinking about you, how we spent our

time when we were alone at home. How you always make me company. 

I miss how you always kick me in my belly every morning,(my little alarm clock.☺️),I miss how you always have hiccups and the little contractions that you gave me. Remember whenever I play my songs? Even though your Daddy hates some of them, you  were  always active in my belly, it was like a party!It was our you & me moments. I miss all of those with you my love! I  still can't believe it's another day without you again. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was annoying you by poking your little nose and  trying to wake you up by giving you non stop kisses on your red pinkish cheeks. You should've been 2 weeks now. I can picture you looking healthy and cute with your mixed brown and black hair, your blonde eyebrows, your big dark brown eyes like mine , and your cleft chin like daddy! You are such a cutie!I miss everything about you my baby boy! 

Liam Ryker P. O'Neill

As some of you may know/ may not I gave birth to a precious little boy ( Liam) on the 4th of March. Everything seemed perfect around that time in the Operating room unitl they brought me to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit to see my baby Liam. Everything changed, I felt numb for a second, speechless, curious and scared. Seeing him in the incubator with a lot of tubes and IVs felt like someone was crushing my heart. It hurts seeing him with that kind of condition. On the back of my mind I wasn't planning on picturing him like that. I knew something serious was going on. I left the NICU worrying about him. If only I can stay next to him, but I couldn't since I was still recovering from my C-section. After hours had passed I wanted to see my baby boy again hoping that things were getting better. Then the Neonatologist came to visit me in my room, I thought she was there to deliver good news, but I was wrong.  She asked me about my condition then talked about Liam's. She looked serious and concern, then she started talking about the issues during my pregnancy that they already figured out the cause of my low amniotic fluid (Oligohydramnios) It wasn't my placenta (which I wished it was) but it was Liam. Liam didn't able to produce urine of his own ever since he was in my belly. His kidneys weren't working. He has Kidney failure. That made everything worst, my world just collapsed.  I don't know how to react anymore, with all the pain medication that they gave me it felt like I was floating. As day goes by everything was getting serious. Different doctors/specialists came to talked to us regarding his condition and discussed what kind of options we have, hearing them made me lose hope and felt like God was trying to test my faith on him. I came to the point where I asked and blamed myself, what'd I do wrong? Why does my baby need to suffer like that instead of me? He's just a baby. Everything was so messed up that I couldn't even think straight anymore. As time was ticking Liam's condition was getting worst that we need to decide which route to choose. To continue his life support and do tons of painful test on him or to just withdraw everything and spend time with him until he says goodbye. It was hard and painful having those two options. I thought moments like these only happen in movies or shows where Shonda Rimes was the writer that she was giving a twist in our story. Sad to say it was reality and you need to face it. The final decision was made, to withdraw everything. While the nurse was disconnecting tubes on Liam, I could tell that Liam was having hard time. It was too painful on him that I couldn't even stare at him. It breaks me. Then finally I got a chance of holding him without those tons of tubes around him. He looked like a healthy normal  baby. You can tell that he was happy without those stuffs around him, knowing that every minute counts we didn't stop on showing him love. I was talking to him telling him how much I love him and that for us he is a perfect baby. I remember telling him don't be shy if he needs to pee. We were waiting for that miracle to happen. Because a tiny drop of his urine can change the entire story.  As the day goes by Liam's skin color was turning into bluish grey. I know after seeing that it could happen anytime, I started to cry non-stop because I don't want him to leave us. The entire night I was awake, I was scared that if I fall asleep he'd do the same and never wake up. The scariest part happened around 3am. His heartbeat was getting really slow and he wasn't responding. I was freaking out. Everyone was crying including me. I told my son that it was okay to rest, he's been a fighter ever since which made us so proud of him, that he will always be our baby boy and that Mommy and Daddy loves him so much. When the nurse came to check on him, Liam started to respond and cry. I froze for a while because it felt I was in a dream. Brendan and I hugged him after hearing him cry, we were having tears of joy. After what happened to him we got more scared of falling asleep, afraid that it might happen again. He pretty much did a good job after that. He kept us awake all night like every baby would do. We got to experience the parenthood stage knowing that it wouldn't last long. The next day, it happened again. Liam started to show the signs that he showed last night. Everyone started to cry, I held him on my arms and said Good Morning Baby! (while I was crying) He opened his eyes and stared at me for a while then he closed it. He stopped responding and stopped breathing. I felt numb again, broken, my entire world just collapsed. I was having a major breakdown. I couldn't focus on anything. No one seemed to matter to me at that very moment. But seeing Liam's face pain free made me feel at ease. Knowing the fact that we made a right decision to spend more time with him was priceless. Even though we didn't get a chance to take him home, we brought home to him instead.We were there for him til the very last. Now that we are preparing for his Memorial for tomorrow, I know the fact that this is more of a celebration of life for him because he's with God now growing, healthy, free of any illness/disease and waiting for us to see him again. We miss you Liam! I know you are here with us guiding and watching over us. We love you so much!