Missing you....

Good Morning Baby Liam! While Daddy is working and Great Granma is

at her daycare, I'm here alone thinking about you, how we spent our

time when we were alone at home. How you always make me company. 

I miss how you always kick me in my belly every morning,(my little alarm clock.☺️),I miss how you always have hiccups and the little contractions that you gave me. Remember whenever I play my songs? Even though your Daddy hates some of them, you  were  always active in my belly, it was like a party!It was our you & me moments. I miss all of those with you my love! I  still can't believe it's another day without you again. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was annoying you by poking your little nose and  trying to wake you up by giving you non stop kisses on your red pinkish cheeks. You should've been 2 weeks now. I can picture you looking healthy and cute with your mixed brown and black hair, your blonde eyebrows, your big dark brown eyes like mine , and your cleft chin like daddy! You are such a cutie!I miss everything about you my baby boy! 

Liam Ryker P. O'Neill

As some of you may know/ may not I gave birth to a precious little boy ( Liam) on the 4th of March. Everything seemed perfect around that time in the Operating room unitl they brought me to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit to see my baby Liam. Everything changed, I felt numb for a second, speechless, curious and scared. Seeing him in the incubator with a lot of tubes and IVs felt like someone was crushing my heart. It hurts seeing him with that kind of condition. On the back of my mind I wasn't planning on picturing him like that. I knew something serious was going on. I left the NICU worrying about him. If only I can stay next to him, but I couldn't since I was still recovering from my C-section. After hours had passed I wanted to see my baby boy again hoping that things were getting better. Then the Neonatologist came to visit me in my room, I thought she was there to deliver good news, but I was wrong.  She asked me about my condition then talked about Liam's. She looked serious and concern, then she started talking about the issues during my pregnancy that they already figured out the cause of my low amniotic fluid (Oligohydramnios) It wasn't my placenta (which I wished it was) but it was Liam. Liam didn't able to produce urine of his own ever since he was in my belly. His kidneys weren't working. He has Kidney failure. That made everything worst, my world just collapsed.  I don't know how to react anymore, with all the pain medication that they gave me it felt like I was floating. As day goes by everything was getting serious. Different doctors/specialists came to talked to us regarding his condition and discussed what kind of options we have, hearing them made me lose hope and felt like God was trying to test my faith on him. I came to the point where I asked and blamed myself, what'd I do wrong? Why does my baby need to suffer like that instead of me? He's just a baby. Everything was so messed up that I couldn't even think straight anymore. As time was ticking Liam's condition was getting worst that we need to decide which route to choose. To continue his life support and do tons of painful test on him or to just withdraw everything and spend time with him until he says goodbye. It was hard and painful having those two options. I thought moments like these only happen in movies or shows where Shonda Rimes was the writer that she was giving a twist in our story. Sad to say it was reality and you need to face it. The final decision was made, to withdraw everything. While the nurse was disconnecting tubes on Liam, I could tell that Liam was having hard time. It was too painful on him that I couldn't even stare at him. It breaks me. Then finally I got a chance of holding him without those tons of tubes around him. He looked like a healthy normal  baby. You can tell that he was happy without those stuffs around him, knowing that every minute counts we didn't stop on showing him love. I was talking to him telling him how much I love him and that for us he is a perfect baby. I remember telling him don't be shy if he needs to pee. We were waiting for that miracle to happen. Because a tiny drop of his urine can change the entire story.  As the day goes by Liam's skin color was turning into bluish grey. I know after seeing that it could happen anytime, I started to cry non-stop because I don't want him to leave us. The entire night I was awake, I was scared that if I fall asleep he'd do the same and never wake up. The scariest part happened around 3am. His heartbeat was getting really slow and he wasn't responding. I was freaking out. Everyone was crying including me. I told my son that it was okay to rest, he's been a fighter ever since which made us so proud of him, that he will always be our baby boy and that Mommy and Daddy loves him so much. When the nurse came to check on him, Liam started to respond and cry. I froze for a while because it felt I was in a dream. Brendan and I hugged him after hearing him cry, we were having tears of joy. After what happened to him we got more scared of falling asleep, afraid that it might happen again. He pretty much did a good job after that. He kept us awake all night like every baby would do. We got to experience the parenthood stage knowing that it wouldn't last long. The next day, it happened again. Liam started to show the signs that he showed last night. Everyone started to cry, I held him on my arms and said Good Morning Baby! (while I was crying) He opened his eyes and stared at me for a while then he closed it. He stopped responding and stopped breathing. I felt numb again, broken, my entire world just collapsed. I was having a major breakdown. I couldn't focus on anything. No one seemed to matter to me at that very moment. But seeing Liam's face pain free made me feel at ease. Knowing the fact that we made a right decision to spend more time with him was priceless. Even though we didn't get a chance to take him home, we brought home to him instead.We were there for him til the very last. Now that we are preparing for his Memorial for tomorrow, I know the fact that this is more of a celebration of life for him because he's with God now growing, healthy, free of any illness/disease and waiting for us to see him again. We miss you Liam! I know you are here with us guiding and watching over us. We love you so much!